I’m close to having a Standard Operating Procedure for making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 3 AM without waking a dog, which then wakes a disgruntled wife. It involves air freshener, artificial sound disbursement, and event colocation.
Peanut butter and jelly was almost certainly created for the sole purpose of eating while watching “Welcome Back, Kotter” reruns on basic cable between 2 and 4 AM. This doesn’t seem like a bad thing on the surface, but – stay with me – peanut butter is gold to a dog. If a dog hears a peanut butter jar, much less catches a whiff, then a dog wakes up. And if a dog wakes up, the wife wakes up, and that’s a bad thing.
One dog would be a challenge. Two dogs is Mission Impossible.
Fortunately, our bathroom is located next to the kitchen and provides the sound and smell-proofing needed for a solution. A cutting board makes for a clean and solid surface. The bathroom fan serves double-duty to mask food preparation sounds and to help remove any trail of peanut butter. Cupboards, jars and silverware must be navigated with slow and quiet precision during sandwich assembly.
The big challenge is to inconspicuously transport the meal from bathroom to viewing area. The television volume must be set low enough to not rouse the wife, yet loud enough to keep a lid on any dog suspicion. But the real key here is the air freshener. It must be sprayed around the stairs and hallway, creating a virtual scent-wall between dog nose and peanut butter waft.
Sure, there are some bugs to work out. The air freshener obliterates the taste of the food, and the TV volume should probably be set before the food preparation. But that’s okay – I’m already working on a new version that features WD-40 and ventriloquism.