I’m close to having a Standard Operating Procedure for making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at 3 AM without waking a dog, which then wakes a disgruntled wife. It involves air freshener, artificial sound disbursement, and event colocation.

Peanut butter and jelly was almost certainly created for the sole purpose of eating while watching “Welcome Back, Kotter” reruns on basic cable between 2 and 4 AM. This doesn’t seem like a bad thing on the surface, but – stay with me – peanut butter is gold to a dog. If a dog hears a peanut butter jar, much less catches a whiff, then a dog wakes up. And if a dog wakes up, the wife wakes up, and that’s a bad thing.

One dog would be a challenge. Two dogs is Mission Impossible.

Fortunately, our bathroom is located next to the kitchen and provides the sound and smell-proofing needed for a solution. A cutting board makes for a clean and solid surface. The bathroom fan serves double-duty to mask food preparation sounds and to help remove any trail of peanut butter. Cupboards, jars and silverware must be navigated with slow and quiet precision during sandwich assembly.

The big challenge is to inconspicuously transport the meal from bathroom to viewing area. The television volume must be set low enough to not rouse the wife, yet loud enough to keep a lid on any dog suspicion. But the real key here is the air freshener. It must be sprayed around the stairs and hallway, creating a virtual scent-wall between dog nose and peanut butter waft.

Sure, there are some bugs to work out. The air freshener obliterates the taste of the food, and the TV volume should probably be set before the food preparation. But that’s okay – I’m already working on a new version that features WD-40 and ventriloquism.

(Originally posted here for day 1 of the YourTurnChallenge)

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In 1984, I decided that I would never eat at McDonald’s again. I wanted a Big Mac with only cheese, ketchup, and mustard, and they refused to make it. And so started my personal boycott list. Nobody cares about this list but me, but it’s a matter principle and it exists for my own satisfaction. It’s not a list that’s written down and there aren’t very many companies on it. But with few exceptions, it’s a list I stick to.

So today, the wife and I were trying to decide what fast food we might get for lunch. Normally we would choose from Burger King, Arby’s, Gold Star, White Castles, Frisch’s and a few others – but never McDonald’s. Never.

While discussing who has the least offensive fries, we agreed that McDonald’s always had some of the better fries in the world of fast food. Then I mentioned how much I used to love their strawberry shakes … long story short … we decided to get McDonald’s. I threw my arms up in celebration and declared them to be officially removed from my boycott list. “I’m sure they’ll breathe a sigh of relief.” my wife snickered.

Here’s how it turned out. Please study the following picture…

It shows two things:

1) I ordered a Big Mac with cheese only, and

2) the order is double-checked by them for accuracy. I assume the sticker isn’t placed on the box until after it’s inspected again. Very impressive!

Here’s what was actually in the box…

The cheese is there, but so is what I believe to be “special sauce” with scary looking green crap in it. Foul stuff. It was on both layers, so there was no saving the sandwich. And to top it off, they forgot to include the order of fries! So much for double-checking.

And for good measure, here’s a photo of how small the McDonald’s meat patty has become…

That’s really sad.

So less than an hour after lifting their 21-year boycott, McDonald’s found their way right back onto my list. “Ba da ba ba bahhh… I’m hatin’ it.”

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